Do you know that song from the movie, White Christmas? It essentially reflects in a nutshell my most recent frustrations.
In one of our many conversations over the past weekend, a good friend pointed out: you have always been a leader, you were raised.trained and taught to be a leader. I don't dispute that, although there are times when I'm surprised at how dependent others can become on their leaders, nevertheless, I know these things.
My frustration? I feel limited now. I can't lead, not effectively, not how I know I could or should because of two little appendages that entered my life not too very long ago (see pictures at right). They are very demanding little girls and there are some days I wonder if I will ever be productive in ministry again.
Yes, I can administer. Yes, I can pull a conference together. Yes, I can organize and plan. Yes, I can. I know I can, but only if the little Miss's will let me. And frankly, they're not willing to let me at the moment.
It's difficult enough for them to understand that daddy, who leads worship every Sunday, is not going to be sitting with us. And they really don't understand why they can't just go join him up front or why when they call out to him, he doesn't come to their attention like he usually does.
So you can imagine what happens if mommy tries to break ranks too.
Chaos I tell you. Do you know what deafening pitches little girls can reach when they are not happy? It's difficult to lead a choir or hold a meeting with little girls a-screeching. I don't remember reading that part in the What little girls are made of poem.
Our church is small, in size and members. No childrens ministry - at least not in effect as it once was, because quite frankly I relinqueshed control of it a few years back. Not a good situation. I am not the only parent struggling with very little ones during service. But in my mind, my struggle is much more public, more apparent as a pastors wife, than any of the other mommies and daddies tag-teaming during service to maintain some semblance of control in the family unit.
So do I cut myself a break? Just give in to this time of toddler-reign and just concentrate on them, relinquesh all self-gratification and satisfaction for the good of the little ones? At risk of sounding selfish - but what about me? I was a general I tell you! I had purpose! I accomplished things! - Is that all in the past? Ugh! I need to do.
Do I dare seize back the children's ministry? And what about the ministries I'm truly aching to return to? Do I take back my positions? Hmm. Will that do anyone any good?
Questions, questions. Hey! Doubt and Worry, when did you get here? Oh, and is that you there Distraction and Discouragement?
Time for some wisdom:
Proverbs 12:25: An anxious heart weighs a man down.
Exodus 18:17-18: What you are doing is not good...You will only wear yourselves out. The work is too heavy for you; you cannot handle it alone.
Matthew 6:27: Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?
All you ministry mommies (and daddies)! Yes you! Please feel free to deposit some coins of wisdom in the comment area. Thank you. :)