Monday, November 01, 2004

Sometimes I wonder...Most times I worry

Warning: This post is a bit depressing.

Sometimes I wonder if my girls would be better off in someone else's care each day. Someone more creative and crafty. Someone who knows how to discipline in just the right way at just the right time. Someone who doesn't get worked up about the little things. Someone who has been successful at potty training.

Sometimes I wonder if I was meant to be a working mom. Using the degree I worked hard to earn to bring home some bacon. Sometimes I feel so guilty leaving all of the earning burden on my hubby. I am so content and stress-free during the day when I'm with the girls that I feel like I'm cheating or playing hooky.

Sometimes I wonder if I should just go out and earn a paycheck that will pay for everything we need and want. A paycheck that would pay for a good preschool where they can do all of the creative, educational and crafty things that I don't seem to have the imagination for. A paycheck that would free me from feeling guilty about being home while my dear hubby is working hard. Then I remember that a paycheck made me feel guilty about leaving my baby all day, every day.

I looked at the want ads today and was tempted to apply to a couple of ads. But I haven't, afraid that I might be offered a job. So I know down deep that I don't want to go back to that life - not yet anyway. I'm not sure when, if ever, either. But when I see how tight our budget is, I worry. When I see that when something unexpected comes up, how it sends our financial situation into turmoil - I wonder if it's fair to expect God to make up the difference. Didn't he give me the ability to make up the difference?

There I go again, tempted to turn to my own understanding when I should be trusting in the Lord. Sometimes I wonder....will I ever be guilt free? Something inside me tells me no. That's not right. *sigh* Perhaps it's just the Monday blues. I need to stop worrying... it takes up too much valuable time, and gets me no where. But it's so difficult not to.....Time to remind myself:

Proverbs 3:5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding.

Luke 12:25: And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life?

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