Wednesday, November 03, 2004

A World Called Denial

When the going gets tough, I like to retreat to a little world I call denial. It's a nice cozy, warm place where nothing goes wrong and I always get my way. Denial is my way of dealing with the negative situations or occurrences in my life.

For instance, my mother passed away 7 years ago, and I still just imagine she's still out there somewhere and it's just been a while since I've seen her. It's how I've escaped the turmoil of our finances and whether or not we can really afford making me a SAHM. The answer: a resounding no.

Call it optimism, trusting in God, being hopeful - but the fact is that I have avoided the subject in hopes that it would resolve itself somehow. Not that I haven't looked into several possibilities for being a WAHM, but there hasn't been anything that I feel comfortable calling a trustworthy venture. And when I sat down to take a good look at our finances today, the old turmoil I struggled with over 8 months ago takes it's familiar place in the pit of my stomach.

So what are my options? Well, I could wait some more and watch things spiral down a bit further. I can send out my resume and pray that God will open or close doors as he sees fit. I could sit still and hope God will just fix it. But I've always had a hard time waiting. For some reason I equate waiting with being idle. I think God wants some action from us, to extend our hand out to Him, at least, when we need help.

What's that saying? God helps those who help themselves? That seems a bit contradictory. Helping ourselves doesn't really give God clearance to work in our lives, does it? And yet, I do feel compelled to take action, take a step in one direction or the other looking over my shoulder for God's approval or disapproval.

Being home has been good, and I appreciate every moment of it. I would love to extend my visit to Denial, but I know it doesn't help our situation.

Dear God, only you know me, only you know fully our situation, only you can direct our path. Lord, help us through this time so that we may reach a solution in which you will be glorified.

Proverbs 3:6 In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He shall direct your paths.

Isaiah 46:3-4 ....I created you and have cared for you since before you were born. I will be your God throughout your lifetime--until your hair is white with age. I made you, and I will care for you....

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